Forget your usual high-intensity interval training!
Burpees and powerlifting? That’s so 2017!
Now there’s a new way to burn fat and stay strong! It’s Trump Fit – and it’s taking the world by storm!
This hot, new training regimen – a circuit of high-powered, functional moves regularly performed by the president – is blowing up on social media. With exercises like “Build The Wall,” “The Combover” and “The Golf Swing,” celebrities and fitness gurus swear by the system. And the POTUS’ own results can’t be denied. He says so himself. On Twitter. Every day.
“There’s no one bigger or better than I am at Trump Fit. Period. End of Story,” Trump just tweeted yesterday. “I have so many Trumpcercises. I have the best Trumpcercises. Believe me.”
What are these Trumpcercises? Here’s a roundup – with tips to maximize your performance.
Build the wall
This trademark drill is the hallmark of Cross Fit. In the time allotted, pile as many weighted bricks as you can on top of one another, in an effort to shut down illegal immigration.
No, not THAT kind of handsy – although Trump’s version of this exercise reportedly has a few variations. We’re talking serious mass-building exercises for ridiculously small hands:
- “The point.” Hold onto a resistance band with your foot on the other end. Now - keep pointing to reporters and yelling “FAKE NEWS!”
- “The blame.” Open both hands, palms facing out, in front of you. Then, make an outward, sweeping motion, as though you’re parting tall grass. Add resistance with weights or kettlebells!
- “I’m right. Believe me.” For this Trump variation on the triceps pulldown, pinch the tips of your index finger and thumb together (like you’re giving your compliments to the chef) around a straight bar hanging from a high pulley. (It’s an overhand grip, palms down, starting at shoulder height.) Now, bring your upper arms close to your body with your forearms pointing up, then push your forearms down so they’re perpendicular to the floor. Hold in this contracted position for a second, make a blanket statement with no facts to back it up, then return to the starting position.
As you might imagine, Trump Fit is full of exercises for the face:
The “response to criticism.”
The “watching a White House intern.”
And the always-effective “on the attack.”
What would a Trump Fit workout be without the classic combover? Side lunge to the right, putting about 70 percent of your weight on your right foot, meanwhile pulling an imaginary comb over your head from left to right. Resistance bands and/or hand weights increase the intensity! After 8 to 10 reps, repeat on the other side.
The golf swing
Time to pretend you’re out on the golf course again – for the 110th time after taking office. Just grab a medicine ball, plant your feet shoulder’s width apart and hold the ball straight down in front of you. The strap-on gut simulator, while optional, is highly recommended for strengthening your back. Now swing your arms out to the side, up, and over the opposite shoulder. Swing your arms back down to the starting position. Then, have the limo driver hand you a Big Mac.
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